


Everything I ever wanted

by yash



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cas has the stolen grace and he and Dean are open to each more than before, Gen, M/M, Sam and Dean are fighting to kill Abbadon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-07
Updated: 2014-01-09
Packaged: 2018-01-07 21:29:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1124580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yash/pseuds/yash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel, Dean and Sam are trying desperately to find a way to kill Abbadon. Crowley is also helping. In this hard times Dean finds spilling his troubles to Castiel is comforting and that leads to the love that can make their world change forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I'm right here

**Author's Note:**

> Dean is angry with everything and everyone and he is very, very angry with the demon he is interrogating right now.

"Dean...stop , please Dean stop this " Castiel sighed. " you are hurting yourself than hurting this piece of junk" . Dean straightened and took the demon knife from the demon's chest without a haste. The screams of the demon echoed the dungeon for the hundredth time. Castiel sighed again.  
Dean smiled slightly still facing away from the angel. He was both amused and annoyed. Amused because he can see the angel struggling to keep the normal posture and failing ever so slightly every time. Annoyed because he liked to see the angel struggle to keep that ' I'm indifferent to all the human beings' posture and to see beneath that facade. Now what is it that you want to see Dean? he asked himself again and again for the last four five years and yet he still doesn't know partly because Cas is good at hiding feelings and partly because he was afraid to see what it is.

" Cas, we don't have time to concentrate on my personal health when we have to save the world plus I have never been a poster boy for mental health so why bother now ?" he asked finally facing the angel.  
Cas leaned to the nearest pillar, " I thought that now you have a room of your own, cook in a proper kitchen and call this place home that you are finally beginning to appreciate yourself and have a little self esteem", he looked at Dean questioningly.  
" Of course I have a high self esteem, hell we stopped the Apocalypse, now how many people have done that?" Dean smirked sarcastically and reached for the alcohol and freeze when he felt that Cas's hand is on that as well. "Cas? " he raised eyebrows questioningly.  
Cas gently took the bottle away from him. " Dean, you are not going to drown yourself in alcohol for every single problem, we can solve this like we did before. You are not alone in this you have Sam and you have....." Cas paused and Deans eyes narrowed , "... you have me " Cas tore his eyes away from Deans intense gaze. Dean felt a chill going down his spine.

"That is one of my problems, Cas, this isn't your worry, you have loads of butt- hurt angels on your tail and yet you are still here"  
He said that last part to himself rather that Cas.  
"Do you want me to leave and deal with my own problems ?" Cas asked, his tone slightly shaking.  
" what! , no Cas no, don't leave" even Dean was surprised by his panicked voice but he could see that Cas was happy about the sudden panic so he quickly steadied himself. " I mean you have bigger problems in your hands why bother about ours ?" he asked carefully.

" well maybe because I never thought about them that way like your problems and my problems" Cas answered and Dean could feel anger radiating from the angel. " good he thought to himself at least he is ' feeling' something". Dean desperately missed the human Cas with more feeling than this angel Cas with a stolen grace but he cannot admit that he doesn't enjoy being with him.  
" Cas forget it I'm sorry, my bad. I just felt that you give too much to us that you don't really have time for youreself'"

As if I really need time away from you, Cas thought looking at his hunter, his blue eyes glowing as he searched Deans slightly darker green eyes. He saw the world through that eyes and he never wanted to leave. Hell he wasted enough time when he worked with Crowley to open purgatory and when he was senseless and in purgatory when he wanted leave Dean for his own good and then Naomi took him away from his hunter and at last Metatron separated them and Cas didn't want anything anything at all to separate them if he could help it. Because finally he is trying to reach Dean and for the first time he can feel Dean is reaching out too so nobody is going to mess with him now, nobody.....

They can hear the bunker door open and then a familiar voice floated in to the dungeon," Guys, where are you I brought news "  
Cas sighed and followed Dean as Dean bounded up the stairs . well nobody is going to mess except for Sam. Cas's thoughts were a little smug as he followed Dean to the library.


	2. The breaking news

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam found something about Abaddon and Crowley has plan that could over throw her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has season 9 spoilers but as the story goes on I included my own version. so if you find unwanted season 9 spoilers don't be angry guys.

"so hear this" Sam started as he opened his laptop. "in past weeks there has been electric storms, unexplained weather changes in Denver plus there has been four murders in past two weeks, have any guess how they died?" he looked at Dean.

"Let me guess they all died from cuts to the throat all being used as freaking communication tools and you are saying all these happened in Denver?" Dean asked. "yep, so what you think?" Sam asked his eyes glued to the laptop.

"Abaddon , that's what I think" Dean gritted his teeth. So when do we leave?"  
"what Dean we can't leave just like that I mean we can go and keep our eyes open but other than that we cannot possibly do anything because nothing we have will kill Abaddon" Sam looked at Cas as if asking for approval.

Cas nodded in his general direction and talked to Dean, " yes Dean it would be suicidaly stupid if we face her like this I mean even a normal angel couldn't kill her, knight of hell could only be killed by an archangel and at present there are no archangels that can do that so we have to lay low"  
"and let her kill" Dean finished his sentence angrily. But before any of them speak a phone rang and Sam answered it" yeah Crowley what is it?" he asked casually.   
Since crowley has helped Dean to eject Gadreel out of Sams body and after Dean has let him go as promised he has been keeping steady connection with them because once more crowley is in the same side as the winchesters and his help is well valued at the moment.  
" so you think this would do the job" Dean can hear the sudden interest in Sam's voice and as Sam turned on the speaker he could also hear the source of that excitement through Crowleys rough voice.

" Yes moose I think that the first blade will do the job but we have to find it first" Crowley said.  
"what is the first blade" Dean asked. " no can't say it over the phone squirrel have to come and have a nice little chat, where can I meet you and Samantha and if you still have that little angel of yours I have no problem in meeting him"

Dean scowled as he answered " OK Crowley then we'll meet at cloak and dagger bar tonight". He looked at other two as phone clicked shut. " so what you think will he have anything important or is he still double crossing us?"  
"I don't think so Dean.he wants Abaddon taken down more than we want it. as he was the king of hell he will have more knowledge than any of us so it's worth giving a shot plus he has proved we can trust him" Sam answered.

"ok then why don't we all have a quick dinner and set off" Dean asked already getting up and heading to the kitchen and then he turned again " or maybe I will take a bath first"

"don't tell me you are 'interrogating' again" Sam lifted an eye brow. " Dean! don't you just slip away without answering that question" he cried.  
"don't worry Sam won't happen again plus now I have an angelic therapist so I think I'll be fine" Dean answered by punching Cas playfully on shoulder.  
" uh, Dean I don't have any experience on that subject but I can learn if you really need it" Cas said hesitantly, looking at Sam.  
He couldn't understand why Dean chuckled while Sam just covered his face with his hands.  
"there you go little bro I have my own therapist" Dean said while heading to his room.  
Cas wanted follow him but caught himself in time as he saw Sam looking at him curiously . " I..ur ..I'm just going to ur.. my room" he stammered.  
"yeah Cas sure" Sam replied absentmindedly as he turned his attention to the laptop.

Cas walked along the long corridor and stopped right outside Deans room. He can hear the soft humming as dean removed his clothes. Cas waited impatiently till he heard the bathroom door close and he went inside.   
It occurred to him that there are lot of things he can have by having a grace back. Even if Dean walked out of the bathroom now he won't see Cas standing there as he hasn't seen him all these nights. It was pretty interesting to watch humans sleep but it was a peculiar thing to watch the human whom you....

"uh crap! damn it! " Dean winced as he tried to steady himself. He has slipped on a bit off soap and has hit the tiled floor.  
He hoped nothing has broken but a sharp pain in his right ankle and forehead told him otherwise.

"Oh shit!" he cursed as focused on the bloody fingers that just touched his forehead.

"Dean! Dean are you alright, are you bleeding here let me help you" Cas quickly took Dean in his arms and in a second or more less Dean is on his bed with cas's hand brushing his ankle and then his forehead like a feather touch but they left burning holes on Deans skin.

"Cas!! Jesus Cas what are you.... " Dean stopped and realized he is naked are as quick as lightening he jumped off the bed and wrapped a towel around his lower part.

 

"what the hell man! what are you doing?" he demanded still glaring at Cas.

"but Dean you fell it could have been serious and I couldn't just stand and watch, can I ?"

"yeah but that's the whole point how did you know that I fell geez Cas that was fast as if you were waiting just outside the door."  
Dean said still shaking from the shock and then he stopped and looked at Cas with wide eyes, " were you standing outside the door?" he asked slowly.

"what no! Dean no I was in my room and I heard your fall, I am an eternal being you know ,can hear anything" Cas looked at Dean convincingly and saw Dean's eyes still in shock but also a hint of acceptance was also there either because Dean believed Cas or he rather not touch the alternative.

" so I.. I'll stay in my room well till you are done" Cas backed away from Deans room awkwardly. Dean nodded and looked at the floor. Cas can see his face turning beautiful pink colour.

"beautiful" Cas muttered once in his room. He has seen Dean naked. And well he cannot complain that body was beautiful maybe the only thing more beautiful should be his eyes no it must be his soul, yes Cas decided it must be his soul. Before Metatron turned Cas human he has always believed human soul is the most beautiful thing but the little time in humanity made him turn his attention to other aspects of the human body as well.

Well Dean does have one hell of a body and one hell of a face and...... no I must stop these thoughts they are dangerous. I was almost caught off guard today that must not happen again I must be careful. 

But Cas was sure that he will follow Dean again and will help him again if he has the chance. Not that he could complain about what he saw.... that chest....."oh just stop yourself you have the whole night to think about these things after the appointment with Crowley" Cas told himself. 

But even after he went to the library half and hour later he still had a little smile on his face and it grew wider when Dean met him in the corridor and whispered to his ear" not a word to Sam, understand" .


	3. Time to think

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley tells them about the first blade and Dean is willing to go with him and find it but Sam and Cas are not happy about that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the most important chapter. Cas is going to say something major to Dean.

"For all we know Crowley could have been playing a trick on us" Sam said looking at the other two.

They have been waiting for Crowley to come for about half an hour and it was unlikely that king of hell is late for an appointment he called out for.

Dean just smirked at Sam's comment and let his eyes wander over the beautiful girls serving in the bar. He remembered the time he took Cas to this popular club on what they thought to be the last night on earth. He smiled silently remembering the terrified look on Cas's face when the stripper introduced herself.

Cas looked at Dean's smiling face eagerly. He loved that eye crinkling smile he had but nowadays he saw it less and less and it's a pity that such beautiful smile is wasted. Then Cas straightened up as he sensed what Dean is thinking about. Oh, no he was remembering that horrible night, Cas thought desperately.  
But in some way it was not a very horrible day. Cas still remembered the sound of Dean's laugh so bright and beautiful. he still remembers the hours they spent at that lonely house talking about the Apocalypse and Raphael and so many other things and he sighed he missed those days where he was close to Dean. Those days where Dean and him shared their sorrows and tried to solve their problems together, those days when Dean didn't think of them as “your problems and my problems", Cas thought bitterly. But I'll make up for all I did he thought.

“Finally” Dean thumped the table startling both Sam and Cas . Then they both saw Crowley entering the pub in his usual black business suite and his sly smile.

“Well hello my pleasant guests sorry for the delay, apparently Abaddon has no intention of letting me run free” Crowley said sitting down on the chair.

“ Well she has a fair reason as you were the former king so she wants you silenced before she put on the throne” Sam said.

“A throne that will never be hers” Crowley gritted his teeth. “ Now moose I don’t suppose you came here to sing praises of that bitch, no , okay then let’s get to the subject”. Crowley glared at Sam.

“So I found out a way to finish off the bitch it could only be done by the first blade” he said.

“This first blade thing, who has it? for I assume it is not something you can buy in e-bay, right?” Dean asked.

“The first blade will always be in the procession of the first born” Cas said quietly.

“That’s right listen to your boy friend boy” Crowley smiled at Deans scowling face.

“Yes Cas is right the blade is in the hands of the first born and his name is Cain” Crowley said.

“Cain! as in Cain and Abel? No way” Sam was staring at Crowley unbelievably. 

“Why not boy, if all the angels and demons and all these bullshit is real to you why not this part”?

“So you are saying this blade that killed Abel still exists and Cain still has it? Well that is pretty weird even for us” Dean said leaning more to the table.

“Well weird or not are you in this with me”? Crowley asked looking expectantly at all of them.

“If it is the only way well, then yeah as we want Abaddon dead count us in. But who is going to find Cain anyway”? Dean asked.

“Either of you have to come with me because I rather not go alone” Crowley replied.

“Well as Sam is still recovering from Gadreel’s dilemma I will come” Dean said.

“What!!” both Cas and Sam said at the same time, former one more panicked than the latter.

“Whoa Dean you can’t just say yes like that.we have to talk about this plus we are not dealing with an honest business partner” Sam said as Cas agreed heartily.

“Hey, didn’t I save your ass from that petty angel , moose”? Crowley asked slyly.

“Yeah but it was then and this is now how can I....I mean we can be pretty sure that you are leading Dean into a trap?” Cas asked looking angrily at Dean. How could he just agree to Crowley doesn’t he love himself even a tiniest bit?

“Okay, Okay save your skirts ladies I am not going to eat Dean, well then I told you everything the decision is up to you if you want to go then you know the number” Crowley got up smiling slightly at Castiel.

Then on his way out when he was out of the ear shot of Sam and Dean he whispered to Cas” Hey there my angel partner still lurking around that hunter I see, don’t worry I am not the one to break the heart breaking love stories like yours” then he chuckled at Castiel’s bewildered expression and vanished to the night leaving Cas slightly bemused. 

 

“Dean what the hell are you thinking” Sam asked the moment they are in the car. “I mean I know we are all desperate to find a way to finish Abaddon but jumping straight to Crowleys hands isn't going to help, I mean we don’t what he has up his sleeve right? You tend to take wrong descions at times without asking anything from us” he added.

 

From one look to the mirror Cas understood that the last sentence has stung.

He knew Dean hasn't forgiven himself yet about the whole Gadreel thing that resulted in Kevin’s death and all that. But didn't Sam knew better than this he thought angrily watching Dean’s face crumpling with guilt and his green eyes darkening, the light mood in the evening was gone completely.

 

Sam was also upset about what he has just shot at Dean because he started quietly” Dean.. Dean I..”

“It’s okay Sam I know I shouldn't have let that bloody angel process you and I am solely to be blamed about that but I did it to save you I never thought that he will kill kev..” Dean’s voice broke slightly and Cas cursed Gadreel and Metatron for the thousandth time. You will pay Metatron he thought angrily you will pay.

“Dean its okay I get that and I told you so hundred times so far . Don’t sacrifice yourself to Crowley or any other person thinking that you are repaying for what you think you caused , okay”? Sam asked again.

Cas watched silently as Dean nodded and their conversation going back and forth throughout the whole ride. He rarely spoke when Sam and Dean are talking like this. He liked to sit back and watch the emotions play on their faces and listen to their feeling pouring in their minds. It was sensational to listen to their hearts each hiding their worries and trying to console the other. 

 

But I should speak to Dean alone because he could still feel the guilt radiating from Dean’s mind even after they parked the impala in bunker’s garage. 

 

Dean was just putting off the dead man’s robe when he heard the knock. “come in Sam, oh it’s you Cas come in, come in” Dean hastily put on the robe again. 

 

“Dean we need to talk” Cas sat down at the edge of the bed.

“Sure Cas but if this is about what I said in the dungeon I am really sorry I said that, you know I wasn’t thinking clearly”

“No.. Dean this isn’t about that. This is about you. That was pretty good show you put on for Sam but I am not fooled by that”  
Dean looked bewildered for a moment

“ What are you talking about”?

“I am talking about the pointless guilt you carrying on and despite whatever Sam said you still seem to think this is all your fault”

“well it is” Dean looked away from Cas.

“No it isn't Dean you don't have to blame yourself for every single thing. You were desperate you wanted to save Sam and you did what was best at the moment, besides I am the one who told you that Ezekiel is a good angel”

“you didn't know it wasn't Ezekiel” Dean looked at Cas again.

“You didn't either, “ Cas almost cried with desperation.

“Dean look ,I said look at me” Dean looked at Cas with an amazement in his eyes. Cas also saw another feeling in them, longing. But this isn't the moment to concentrate about that. 

“ Dean you are not going to blame yourself for any of this not now not ever. As a brother you did the best you could have done and Sam understands that, no, listen he does understand that and he doesn't hate you. I know that for a fact because unlike you I can read his mind” 

Cas looked at Dean’s eyes directly and moved closer to his face so that their faces were just two inches apart.

“so don’t you ever, ever think that you are to be blamed for everything that happened and don’t you ever think you are worthless and nobody cares about you, because I for one care a lot about you Dean Winchester”

Cas moved away from Dean and got up,

“and I really don’t like to see you go alone with Crowley maybe we can think of something tomorrow.”

Dean exhaled as the door shut behind Cas as he has been holding breath unconsciously. He shook his head as his brain started to function again as it had gone blur since Cas’s face came within inches of his.

What did he say, holy shit ! “I for one care a lot about you Dean” his brain screamed.

Cas has just said he cared lot about Dean. But didn't he knew that all along , didn't he knew that Cas cared for him. Of course he did though the angel never said anything not in all those long nights in Purgatory but Dean knew he always knew Cas cared about him.

He felt relief, immense relief as well as fear. Relief because now he know for sure that Cas won’t leave him again in his own will and he feared because each and every other person he loved and loved him in return were all dead except for Sam. 

But Cas died as well. In fact he has died several times now but he kept coming back to Dean. Yes Cas always came back so maybe he can push off his worst fear and tell Cas that he also care a lot about him. That Dean also wants to be near him never leaving never fearing. But can he? 

Even after hours of sleep Dean still wasn't sure that he is ready to take the chance but he knew that time for a decision will come soon .


End file.
